Ranking all 55 Conan stories in the Chronology

Well, I ranked every Robert E. Howard Conan story, and those that originated with him and then were edited by others. But that was only about half of the stories I read for this chronology; excluding the Hyborian Age essay and the two poems, which I didn't assign star ratings to, I read 54 stories for this project, and I want to give my ranking for all of them.

Because I don't want to subject you to quite that much torture (I'm not a Hyperborean, after all), I'm challenging myself to leave only a one-sentence review for each. It's not like you can't go read a post I made for each one if you want to really know my full thoughts. Here they are below!

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55. "The Vale of Lost Women" - ☆☆☆☆☆

Not only staggeringly racist, but also staggeringly forgettable.

54. "Shadows in Zamboula" (AKA "The Man-Eaters of Zamboula") - ​★☆​☆☆​☆

While it starts decently, was this written specifically for the pleasure of Nathan Bedford Forrest?

53. "Black Sphinx of Nebthu" - ​★☆​☆☆​☆

Even a sophomore creative writing major could have made huge improvements to this one by giving the manuscript a once-over.

52. "The Lair of the Ice Worm" - ​★★☆☆​☆

This story reminds me (for no reason at all, I'm sure): did you know that "GNDN" is written on all the Jefferies Tubes in Star Trek, which stands for "Goes Nowhere - Does Nothing?"

51. "Wolves Beyond the Border" - ​★★☆☆​☆

A Conan story without a Conan didn't turn out to be that great.

50. "Red Moon of Zembabwei" - ​★★☆☆​☆

While it's got a few decent ideas at its core, this late-life tale doesn't ultimately amount to much other than a big battle.

49. "The Castle of Terror" - ​★★☆☆​☆

Not the worst of the bunch, but absolutely one of the most forgettable fantasy stories I've ever read that doesn't feel very "Conany" at all.

48. "The Witch of the Mists" - ​★★☆☆​☆

While there's some fun to be had in the first "Old Man Conan" tale, it doesn't bode super well for what was to come after.

47. Conan the Liberator - ★★☆☆​☆​

You have the greatest, most physical adventurer in all of pulp fiction as your hero and you keep him confined to military tents to do extended politicking?

46. "Shadows in the Skull" - ​★★☆☆​☆

While the final Conan story is a step up from those preceding it, it's only a shadow of his earlier, more glorious days.

45. "Iron Shadows in the Moon" (AKA "Shadows in the Moonlight") - ​★★☆☆​☆

This one follows a common formula: lost city, damsel in distress, scary monster to fight, and it doesn't stand out doing any of it.

44. The Return of Conan - ★★☆☆​☆​

Like a legacy band playing the hits long after they've stopped making them, this story doesn't land quite like all the better stories it calls back to.

43. "The City of Skulls" - ​★★☆☆​☆

While Juma is a good one-off companion and there's some fun to be had (mostly involving cool settings), this one feels both inconsequential and behind the times.

42. "The Hand of Nergal" - ​★★★☆☆

The adventure to be had is all well and good, but Lin Carter really took a swing and a miss on some of his writing here.

41. "Drums of Tombalku" - ​★★★☆☆

Left unfinished by Howard and you can feel it.

40. "Xuthal of the Dusk" (AKA "The Slithering Shadow") - ​★★★☆☆

Like "Drums of Tombalku" if it had actually been finished, this one doesn't quite stick the landing despite introducing the Black Lotus powder and beating Conan up more than any other story.

39. "Moon of Blood" - ​★★★☆☆

Following "Beyond the Black River" with this is like when Green Day tried to follow up their beloved rock opera "American Idiot" with another rock opera in "21st Century Breakdown," and all you can think about when you listen to "21st Century Breakdown" is how good "American Idiot" is and how you'd rather be listening to that.

38. "The Ivory Goddess" - ​★★★☆☆

While it's small in scale, this is a fun one that works a little bit better in comic form.

37. "A Witch Shall Be Born" - ​★★★☆☆

A middling Conan story with one mind-blowingly good scene.

36. Conan of the Isles - ★★★☆☆​

This is the only elderly Conan story that really feels like it has anything to say or any new ground to tread.

35. "Jewels of Gwahlur" (AKA "The Servants of Bit-Yakin") - ​★★★☆☆

If this story ended as good as it started, it would have been one of the all-timers.

34. "The Gem in the Tower" - ​★★★☆☆

L. Sprague de Camp and Lin Carter are obviously working off ideas that have been time-worn, but putting Conan at the center still yields a decent pirate romp.

33. "Black Tears" - ​★★★☆☆

A pretty good premise that doesn't quite stick the landing still makes for a halfway decent story.

32. "Hawks Over Shem" - ​★★★☆☆

Not the most thrilling of Conan stories, but a serviceable mix of action and intrigue.

31. "The Pool of the Black One" - ​★★★☆☆

An alright story with the expected lost cities and creepy enemies that's buoyed by a really great ending.

30. "The Devil in Iron" - ​★★★☆☆

A fun time in a lost city on the Vilayet Sea that doesn't give me a ton to work with.

29. "The Curse of the Monolith" (AKA "Conan and the Cenotaph") - ​★★★☆☆

A story that takes us farther east than any other with a decent villain and a fun conceit of a gigantic, magnetic obelisk.

28. Conan the Buccaneer - ★★★☆☆​

A fun pirate adventure that is done no favors by its somewhat workmanlike prose.

27. "The Snout in the Dark" - ​★★★☆☆

A decent mix of politics, action, might, magic, and monsters.

26. Conan: The Road of Kings - ​★★★☆☆

Don't let this single city-set adventure fool you: it is imaginative and fun, even if it isn't written anything like how REH would have penned it.

25. "The God in the Bowl"​ - ★★★☆☆

"Let's have Conan fight the cops and a serpent deity in a museum with a dead body on the floor and just see what happens."

24. "Legions of the Dead" - ​★★★☆☆

There should be more zombies in Conan stories.

23. "Shadows in the Dark" - ​★★★★☆

Like the best D&D session your party ever had, this is a funny and well-paced, if inconsequential, adventure.

22. Conan and the Emerald Lotus - ​★★★★☆

The rare Conan story in which the supporting cast are the real stars.

21. "The People of the Summit" - ​★★★★☆

A story that's creepy, exciting, and has a killer setting that makes for a pretty underrated story.

20. Conan and the Sorcerer - ★★★★☆​

A ton of fun that takes Conan all over the place with his very soul at stake.

19. Conan and the Spider God - ★★★★☆​

L. Sprague de Camp's only solo work on Conan proves that he can put together a really fun adventure novel by himself (or do I mean his wife can?).

18. "The Frost-Giant's Daughter" - ​★★★★☆

​An excellent opening and an excellent ending with a magically good time in the middle, representing the earliest story in our chronology.

17. "The Thing in the Crypt" - ​★★★★☆

Is this the scariest of all Conan stories?

16. "The Star of Khorala" - ​★★★★☆

The absolute best work of L. Sprague de Camp and Lin Carter working without building off of the existing work of Howard.

15. The Hour of the Dragon - ★★★★☆​

A few minor flaws hold this totally epic adventure back from being one of the very best of the bunch.

14. The Flame Knife - ★★★★☆​

This novella that probably isn't quite as tight as it could be has a handful of excellent episodes and the return of one of Conan's all-time best villains.

13. "The Hall of the Dead" - ​★★★★☆

"The Thing in the Crypt" meets "The Tower of the Elephant" and the quality meets somewhere between the two.

12. "The Blood-Stained God" - ​★★★★☆

A tomb-plundering adventure that puts Conan in his most Indiana Jones-like position.

11. "The Road of the Eagles" (AKA "Conan, Man of Destiny") - ​★★★★☆

This thrilling adventure is by far the best of the Conanless stories that de Camp and Carter turned into Conan tales: its setting, villains, and fantasy creatures are all spot-on.

10. "The Phoenix on the Sword" - ★★★★☆

The first-ever Conan story is paced well and so exciting even as it's confined mostly to the king's chambers that it makes me want to start a metal band and call it "Golamira."

9. "The Scarlet Citadel" - ​★★★★★

The best dungeon crawl that Howard ever put to paper.

8. "The Treasure of Tranicos" (AKA "The Black Stranger") - ​★★★★★

The most tightly-plotted Conan story that's full of double-crossing, a buccaneering good time, and swarthy dialogue.

7. "The People of the Black Circle" - ​★★★★★

I've read nothing else quite like this jam-packed adventure that goes from the gleaming cities of Vendhya to the highest peaks of the Hyborian world.

6. "Rogues in the House" - ​★★★★★

There's a reason why the fight with Thak in this story has yielded so much art: it's fucking awesome.

5. "Queen of the Black Coast" - ​★★★★★

As Conan burns with life, loves, and slays in this tale, we are all more than content.

4. "Red Nails" - ​★★★★★

Not only is this story exciting and imaginative, but philosophical to the point that I'd argue it counts as literature.

3. "Beyond the Black River" - ​★★★★★

On some days, I think this western-styled adventure may be the best Conan story ever.

2. "Black Colossus" - ​★★★★★

"Black Colossus" has an epic adventure, a ripping opening, a good villain, loving, and tomb-raiding all rendered beautifully in one compact package.

1. "The Tower of the Elephant" - ★★★★★

What more could you ever ask for in an adventure story?